324 Days
The past few weeks have been extremely difficult. I’ve been quieter than usual because big emotions are exhausting.
On Saturday, Carson will be 324 days old.
While this milestone is completely irrelevant to most families, it’s the one I’ve been anxiously waiting for since becoming pregnant with Carson.
Liam passed away on his 324th day on this earth. We still don’t know what caused his death or why he had to leave. Not knowing has been one of the hardest challenges for me.
I’ve spent the last few weeks holding and cuddling my sweet Carson. Praying and begging that he can stay with us longer than Liam did.
I haven’t really been able to sit down and write about this part of my journey. It’s hard to put feelings into words when you don’t even know how you’re feeling.
My heart and my mind have been in an epic battle all month. I feel torn in half.
My heart is telling me to be scared, that it’s not strong enough to lose another baby. My mind is more clear. It knows I can’t control everything that happens in the world.
This is what I know for certain:
I can’t pretend that Liam didn’t die and live the rest of my life in an ignorant bliss.
I can focus on being the best mom I can possibly be. Prioritizing Carson’s happiness and soaking up every single second with him.
I can’t pretend I’m not scared that Carson might die on Saturday.
