I am going to tell you all about Carson’s Christmas adventures! I also want to share how hard our second Christmas without Liam was. Having a rainbow baby does not magically make life whole again. Carson gives us something to celebrate, but Liam is still missing.

Carson’s Nana (my mom) came to visit after Thanksgiving and we made handprint ornaments together. A tradition I started with Liam two years ago! She also helped me decorate our Christmas tree and we opened a few of the gifts she bought Carson. I love watching their relationship grow, Carson gets so excited to FaceTime his Nana! Her time in Colorado was fabulous and far too short. Saying goodbye to my mom never gets easier.

Next on our Christmas to-do list was seeing Disney on Ice! This was another fun tradition we started with Liam and my cousins in 2017. Carson slept through most of the show, but Will + I had a wonderful time!

That weekend my sweet friend Kaitlyn came up from Denver to take our family pictures! She truly spoils me with her phenomenal photography + makeup skills. If it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t have nearly as many pictures of my family. Unfortunately, Prince Carson wasn’t in the mood for family pictures. He’s usually great in front of the camera, but that day he wasn’t having any of it. He either wasn’t looking or mean mugging the camera in every picture. I love these pictures, however, we scheduled a re-do session with a local photographer in January. I really want that perfect smiling family picture for our holiday cards! Keep an eye out for our New Years cards, coming to your mailboxes next month.

The Sunday before Christmas we saw live reindeer at Murdoch’s! I was under the impression they would be outside but it was actually inside. If you know me well, you know I’m not a fan of caged animals. It was weird seeing two giant reindeer sleeping in a tiny pen inside of a store. I’m hoping they were just tired and not sedated. It was unnatural to me but Carson really enjoyed it. He loves animals! I think we will go back next year, but I’m not making any promises.

After the reindeer we went to Keystone Lodge to see Santa. This Santa was the real deal y’all, he even has pet reindeer at home! It was one of the last Santa sessions in our area so it was nice and quiet. Carson got as much one-on-one time with Santa as he could handle. Carson was very skeptical of Santa, but he’s skeptical of all men other than Will. I was happy there were no tears or screams. I was expecting Mr. Hair Puller to grab Santa’s beard like he does every other piece of hair in his reach!!

Keystone Lodge also has a beautiful chocolate village display every Christmas. We had so much fun gawking at all of the chocolate art! Afterwards we walked around the ice skating pond and took some more pictures.

One of the lessons Liam’s death has taught us is that you can never have too many pictures!

I had pretty much been ready for Christmas the entire month of December. I had to prepare early because of visitors and having to ship all of the other gifts to Texas. Our home was decorated and the gifts wrapped all month. It wasn’t until a few days before Christmas when it hit me that I still had no food for Christmas dinner. On Christmas Eve we went grocery shopping, which was a horrible idea by the way. It was crowded and the food selection was tiny. The rest of Christmas Eve was pretty uneventful but at least it wasn’t stressful.

Christmas morning we slept in and ate frozen breakfast burritos. Gotta love not having a kitchen! Will + I gifted each other snowshoes and poles for Christmas. I also had a new tripod in my stocking. It was the perfect day to break in our new toys! Two miles of tromping through the snow helped us work up quite the appetite. We would have stayed out longer but a storm was coming to bring us a white Christmas.

When we got back home we started smoking our leg of lamb + warm Brussels sprout salad. While the food was cooking we opened the few gifts left under the tree. We didn’t buy Carson much because our sweet family and friends buy him plenty of wonderful things. If there’s one thing I’ve learned after two Christmases with an infant, it doesn’t matter what the gift is. All they care about is how it’s wrapped. The more wrapping paper, tissue paper + stuffing, the better! Carson’s big gift from us was a new high chair, we splurged and bought him the Stokke Tripp Trapp. Dinner was phenomenal, everything Will puts in the smoker turns out delicious. We are still eating lamb leftovers!

Growing up I went to church, had the big meal, and opened family gifts Christmas Eve; then Santa shenanigans Christmas morning. The rest of Christmas was quiet and usually boring. I loved how we waited for gift opening until the afternoon this year. Celebrating all day long made Christmas feel more special. We decided to make the Christmas morning hike a new tradition for our family!

I spent a lot of energy preparing for Christmas. I spent weeks stressing because I wanted to make it absolutely perfect for Carson. I worried throughout the entire month. Did I take enough pictures? Was I joyful enough? Did we celebrate big enough? Did we have enough fun traditions?

But the hardest question and biggest worry on my heart scared me to my core… what if this is Carson’s only Christmas?

I was so focused on starting new traditions and making this Christmas magical for Carson. By the time Christmas week arrived everything was calming down. I finally had a moment to breathe and that’s when the depression and reality kicked in. That’s when I started to miss Liam more than I have in a long time. I felt guilty for having fun and making memories without Liam. I was in a Scrooge mood the last week or so before Christmas. And that wasn’t fair to Carson. I had high hopes for Christmas and they were shattered, I let everyone down with my bad mood.

It turns out having a rainbow baby doesn’t make you miss your lost love any less. If anything this holiday season was harder than last. Last year all we had to worry about was us. We didn’t feel guilty for not celebrating. This year we wanted to celebrate, and when we didn’t want to we felt obligated to for Carson. We needed Carson’s first Christmas to be as magical as Liam’s. I don’t want to look back and have regrets. I don’t want our grief to ruin Carson’s childhood.