My First Miscarriage
I kept my first miscarriage a secret. I didn’t even tell my own mother for months.
I was embarrassed. I was ashamed that I even got pregnant in the first place. I was 20 and a year away from graduating with a degree in chemical engineering. I had my whole future planned out, and a baby was not part of it. At least not for many years. My boyfriend, now husband, and I had only been dating for six months. We had just moved in together. We were using protection, trying to be safe. I could already hear my mom’s voice in my head saying “I told you so”. Out of fear, we kept the pregnancy a secret apart from my two best friends, my grandma & my aunt. Unfortunately those family members didn’t live close so we also told my husbands family. We were very close with them at the time. For the first time in our relationship his parents made me feel welcomed and loved. His dad would say things like “she can have whatever she wants, because she’s carrying my grandchild”.
After the initial shock wore off we started getting excited. I could imagine our future with this little life growing inside me. We started making plans, researching, and figuring out the finances. I even started putting a baby registry together. The timing was horrible, but I always wanted to be a mom. I loved kids and I loved my boyfriend. Maybe this would be our chance to be parents to a baby instead of just dogs.
A week before my 10 week ultrasound, I started spotting. I had no clue what was going on, but my Google research told me it was normal. The next day the spotting turned into bleeding. I called my OBGYN and she told me I was most likely miscarrying and there wasn’t much to do but rest. I spent that night and the next day laying by the toilet or in the shower, coupled over in pain. My body went into labor to deliver a baby who’s heart never even had the chance to beat.
I was fortunate that it happened early & I did not need a D+C. I was fortunate that my body healed quickly. However, my mind didn’t heal. I fell into depression, I stopped going to classes, I spent so much time sleeping. I had never felt so alone and helpless. I felt like a complete failure as a woman. My body failed me, it couldn’t do the one thing it was made to do.
The hardest part was telling everyone that we lost the baby. Watching their excitement and joy disappear in front of our eyes. The family we did tell let us down, his parents in particular. They didn’t call to check in and stopped inviting us over for family gatherings. They treated us like it was our fault, like we could have prevented it or did something to cause it.
I blamed myself for a very long time. Maybe if I didn’t have that cup of coffee or maybe if I wasn’t so stressed out. When I finally opened up to my whole family about our miscarriage I was blown away with stories of “I had one too”. For the first time, I didn’t feel alone.
